I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
