this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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