So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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