I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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