"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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