I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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