last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
