please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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