i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
