I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
