I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
