just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
