At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
