the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
