I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
