yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
