he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
