I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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