dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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