Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
