I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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