OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
