just survived the first fart of the relationship.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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