Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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