He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
