No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
