her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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