Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
