the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
