we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
