You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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