I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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