i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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