Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
