woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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