My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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