As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
