So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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