how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
