is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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