Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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