Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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