They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
