I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
