wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I look better un-naked...
they need to just BURY HIM!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
