dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
