fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
