If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Text me some of your sweat
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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