I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
