Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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