I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
